“…but most importantly, I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks… Yeah, Mr. Awesome can do that!”
Thus begins my new guilty pleasure, Tool Academy. (Not this Tool Academy.)
Yes. I know. But who can resist the preview: “No. You’re just a tool”? Not I. And not Mr. Monkey! He sits next to me on the couch as I type, watching this latest VH1 opus with an intrigued smirk.
First, I can only assume that these guys are all male strippers. At least, I hope so.
Briefly: The premise is that a bunch of loser-ly male stripper types show up to compete in what they supposedly believe is a pageant called “Mr. Awesome.” Ridiculousness, mainly a bunch of oily, overly muscular guys dancing around in what they themselves refer to as “man panties,” ensues. The kicker? It’s really an intervention of sorts. They’ve been brought here by their girlfriends, to shape up or ship out of what they call “boyfriend bootcamp,” aka The Tool Academy.
Tool Academy is like Rock of Love/Flavor of Love Charm School for boys, with a twist. Each week, one of the guys is eliminated, with the irresistible tagline, “You’re just a tool.” Then said tool’s girlfriend can determine whether to keep dating him.
Let me say this. I know women who have dated tools (although none that admittedly wore man panties). And they do not give up easily. I think it’s less that they’re in love with these, well, tools, but that it’s tough to give up on something that once seemed like a good idea. Several lives and one marriage ago, I dated a tool. It became clear within a few months that the tool and I were not meant to be. But I couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t want me. I didn’t become a stalker, but I did become—temporarily, thank god—a whiny, pathetic woman, not unlike those of Tool Academy. Having a guy they already know is a tool get expelled from Tool Academy isn’t going to change these women.
Meanwhile, Mr. Monkey says, “I want a Tool Academy t-shirt!” But he doesn’t qualify.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Reality TV Overload!
Winter break was tough for me. I was bored out of my skull, feeling uninspired to do much except slug out in front of the TV, and there was very little on to entertain me. Thankfully, the new year brings a new dose of reality show goodness. Here’s what I’m watching, in addition to keeping busy with work (and trying to get back on track at the gym!).
Sundays:
Rock of Love Bus
I’ll admit it: I’m a sucker for reality dating shows. I think it began during my marriage, when I would leave the Ex to more productive ventures (he was not a TV watcher, preferring to spend his time actually being active) and go downstairs to my tenant/friend N’s apartment, where we would partake in viewing pleasures like The Bachelor, Bachelorette, Average Joe, etc. That, however, was about 5 years ago, so I really have no excuse for my current viewing habits.
I got sucked into the first ROL not because I am a fan of Bret Michaels, but because I enjoy watching scantily clad, low-rent strippers claw at each other (see: Flavor of Love 1 and 2). Also, I like to watch Bret’s head for signs that he actually has a real scalp under his bandana, hat, and extensions/wig. No proof yet. (ETA: A pic sans bandana. Now I see why he wears it!)
This season’s installment takes Bret’s quest for his “rock of love” to the streets, with the contestants competing for Bret (or at least a raging case of herpes) on his tour bus.
Thoughts: I like the brunette “tomboy” chick with the droopy (but probably real) breasts and “man shoes” the best, followed possibly by the Penthouse Pet and the 40-year-old “real” model. I doubt any of them will make it very far; my choices rarely do. Still, I was mildly impressed that Bret send home “Scary Spice” (“Is she on something? She looks like she’s going to die,” said observant Mr. Monkey, who just happened to be sitting in the living room at the time, peering over his New Yorker.) I imagine we’ll see this poor man’s Daisy De LaHoya in the near future on “ROL Charm School 2.” No comment on the literal “crotch shot” she did at the bar. I’m trying to block it out.
Side note: I had no interest in Confessions of a Teen Idol, but after getting caught up in the premiere, I may watch it occasionally, if only to remind myself of the dangers of meth. Seriously, Jeremy Jackson is 27 and he looks old enough to be my dad.
Mondays:
A great night for television, and I’m not even including Gossip Girl.
The Bachelor
Love, love The Bach, no matter how ridiculous it gets. Also, I rather like Jason, although I don’t know that I’d squee about how hot he is, like some of the contestants, I mean “ladies.” I have mixed feelings about the ethics of leaving your toddler son/putting him on TV so you can pursue fame-slash-true wuv—and you just know that would never fly if Jason was a single mom—but whatever. I’ll reserve my judgment for the contestants instead.
I thought Matt the Brit’s group of ladies was the worst ever, but now I see I was wrong. I have few favorites this season, with the exception of the hot dog topping girl, who I find delightful, also a sure sign he’ll send her packing. Funny, down-to-earth girls don’t always make it far (exception: Tessa from Andy’s season—and did she really “win,” anyway?), and when they do, they usually come in second.
I must give Jason props for keeping it real and giving the rose to the woman with the largest, or at least most visible, rack. I only wish he had added, “You really put it all out there tonight.”
Stephanie the Widow. I want to like her. Several things are stopping me: Her eyebrows, her fake lips, her possibly fake cheekbones, her over-Botoxed forehead, her oddly old-fashioned hairstyle. Also: “My husband was tragically killed in a plane crash.” How else would one be killed? Amusingly? Joyfully? Comically?
Vision Board Chick. A wise elimination. She had the Crazy Eyes. And was clearly a fan of The Secret. Why must every woman on this show over age 30 be a nutjob?
Stalker Dental Hygienist. First, everybody Googles everybody else, but you don’t admit it, for chrissake! Second, has she learned nothing from earlier seasons? Those fake teeth she donned when exiting the limo looked painfully like Kristen’s orange peel teeth from Travis’s season. And we all know how far that orange peel got Kristen.
Was a little sad to see Dom go. I enjoyed her toe-implant jokes, and she reminded me of an endearing cross (if there is such a thing) of Drew Barrymore and Sara Palin. At the very least she was entertaining.
Deanna. Noooooooooo! I loathe Deanna. Didn’t like her on Brad’s season; was happy to see her go then. Was not surprised she dumped Jesse. She is a bigger fame whore than Trista. I will say that I highly doubt her “I made a mistake… If you haven’t proposed yet, there’s still a chance” speech in the previews refers to Jason. She’s probably brought back to “help” him vet the other women; maybe she recommends one of them and then changes her mind? Although, how great would it be if he put her back in the competition, a la Flavor of Love 2? But who are we kidding? Deanna is not my girl New York.
By the way, I love spoilers, so I already have a clue as to the “winner” of this season. I’ll just say that this woman didn’t strike me as good or bad last night and that she looks a bit like a certain aforementioned fame whore.
I Survived…
If you haven’t seen this show (on the Biography channel), try it. It’s different from my usual crime shows—no forensics, no gory crime scene photos—but I still can’t recommend it enough. My friend H. once tried to convince her husband that she watched America’s Most Wanted for educational purposes. I’d say the same about I Survived… Each episode features three people, who describe how they survived dangerous situations. I like it because at least two stories typically involve attempted murder, although the other story is usually interesting, too. Last night, a guy talked about surviving a shark attack, for example. And last week, I learned that it is apparently possible to survive being stabbed 18 times with a screwdriver (no word on whether it was Philips or regular). For all the trauma, though, this show is surprisingly uplifting.
Momma’s Boys
There are guilty pleasures and then there are just shows that make me feel guilty. Momma’s Boys is one of them. I’m not even going to go into its awfulness, except to say that I suspect all the contestants are paid actors. Also, I wonder about the placement of that apostrophe.
Tuesdays:
Real Housewives of Orange County
I’m watching, but half-heartedly. I’m a bigger fan of RHofNYC. A few things: Glad Lauri is gone. Her face hurt my brain. Also, her son is a heroin addict and she has finally decided maybe she should spend more time with her family? You think?! Actually, she got a lot of flack in the local OC paper for putting her kid on TV, so it’s about time she got over her own fame whorishness and got him some real help. Still hate Vicki. Jeana still seems like the most normal, relatively speaking. I kind of like Gretchen, for now. She’s as fake as the rest of them, but at least she’s nursing her sick father figure/fiancé. If I were her, I’d marry him quick.
Wednesdays:
Top Chef
A reality show Mr. Monkey can also enjoy! I’m looking forward to it being back this week, especially with the new judge. (“This tastes like cat food,” he says in the preview, and my kitties’ ears perk right up.) Early favorites: The Europeans, the cute little blond lesbian, Hoseah. Am also glad to see there are no fauxhawks this season.
Sundays:
Rock of Love Bus
I’ll admit it: I’m a sucker for reality dating shows. I think it began during my marriage, when I would leave the Ex to more productive ventures (he was not a TV watcher, preferring to spend his time actually being active) and go downstairs to my tenant/friend N’s apartment, where we would partake in viewing pleasures like The Bachelor, Bachelorette, Average Joe, etc. That, however, was about 5 years ago, so I really have no excuse for my current viewing habits.
I got sucked into the first ROL not because I am a fan of Bret Michaels, but because I enjoy watching scantily clad, low-rent strippers claw at each other (see: Flavor of Love 1 and 2). Also, I like to watch Bret’s head for signs that he actually has a real scalp under his bandana, hat, and extensions/wig. No proof yet. (ETA: A pic sans bandana. Now I see why he wears it!)
This season’s installment takes Bret’s quest for his “rock of love” to the streets, with the contestants competing for Bret (or at least a raging case of herpes) on his tour bus.
Thoughts: I like the brunette “tomboy” chick with the droopy (but probably real) breasts and “man shoes” the best, followed possibly by the Penthouse Pet and the 40-year-old “real” model. I doubt any of them will make it very far; my choices rarely do. Still, I was mildly impressed that Bret send home “Scary Spice” (“Is she on something? She looks like she’s going to die,” said observant Mr. Monkey, who just happened to be sitting in the living room at the time, peering over his New Yorker.) I imagine we’ll see this poor man’s Daisy De LaHoya in the near future on “ROL Charm School 2.” No comment on the literal “crotch shot” she did at the bar. I’m trying to block it out.
Side note: I had no interest in Confessions of a Teen Idol, but after getting caught up in the premiere, I may watch it occasionally, if only to remind myself of the dangers of meth. Seriously, Jeremy Jackson is 27 and he looks old enough to be my dad.
Mondays:
A great night for television, and I’m not even including Gossip Girl.
The Bachelor
Love, love The Bach, no matter how ridiculous it gets. Also, I rather like Jason, although I don’t know that I’d squee about how hot he is, like some of the contestants, I mean “ladies.” I have mixed feelings about the ethics of leaving your toddler son/putting him on TV so you can pursue fame-slash-true wuv—and you just know that would never fly if Jason was a single mom—but whatever. I’ll reserve my judgment for the contestants instead.
I thought Matt the Brit’s group of ladies was the worst ever, but now I see I was wrong. I have few favorites this season, with the exception of the hot dog topping girl, who I find delightful, also a sure sign he’ll send her packing. Funny, down-to-earth girls don’t always make it far (exception: Tessa from Andy’s season—and did she really “win,” anyway?), and when they do, they usually come in second.
I must give Jason props for keeping it real and giving the rose to the woman with the largest, or at least most visible, rack. I only wish he had added, “You really put it all out there tonight.”
Stephanie the Widow. I want to like her. Several things are stopping me: Her eyebrows, her fake lips, her possibly fake cheekbones, her over-Botoxed forehead, her oddly old-fashioned hairstyle. Also: “My husband was tragically killed in a plane crash.” How else would one be killed? Amusingly? Joyfully? Comically?
Vision Board Chick. A wise elimination. She had the Crazy Eyes. And was clearly a fan of The Secret. Why must every woman on this show over age 30 be a nutjob?
Stalker Dental Hygienist. First, everybody Googles everybody else, but you don’t admit it, for chrissake! Second, has she learned nothing from earlier seasons? Those fake teeth she donned when exiting the limo looked painfully like Kristen’s orange peel teeth from Travis’s season. And we all know how far that orange peel got Kristen.
Was a little sad to see Dom go. I enjoyed her toe-implant jokes, and she reminded me of an endearing cross (if there is such a thing) of Drew Barrymore and Sara Palin. At the very least she was entertaining.
Deanna. Noooooooooo! I loathe Deanna. Didn’t like her on Brad’s season; was happy to see her go then. Was not surprised she dumped Jesse. She is a bigger fame whore than Trista. I will say that I highly doubt her “I made a mistake… If you haven’t proposed yet, there’s still a chance” speech in the previews refers to Jason. She’s probably brought back to “help” him vet the other women; maybe she recommends one of them and then changes her mind? Although, how great would it be if he put her back in the competition, a la Flavor of Love 2? But who are we kidding? Deanna is not my girl New York.
By the way, I love spoilers, so I already have a clue as to the “winner” of this season. I’ll just say that this woman didn’t strike me as good or bad last night and that she looks a bit like a certain aforementioned fame whore.
I Survived…
If you haven’t seen this show (on the Biography channel), try it. It’s different from my usual crime shows—no forensics, no gory crime scene photos—but I still can’t recommend it enough. My friend H. once tried to convince her husband that she watched America’s Most Wanted for educational purposes. I’d say the same about I Survived… Each episode features three people, who describe how they survived dangerous situations. I like it because at least two stories typically involve attempted murder, although the other story is usually interesting, too. Last night, a guy talked about surviving a shark attack, for example. And last week, I learned that it is apparently possible to survive being stabbed 18 times with a screwdriver (no word on whether it was Philips or regular). For all the trauma, though, this show is surprisingly uplifting.
Momma’s Boys
There are guilty pleasures and then there are just shows that make me feel guilty. Momma’s Boys is one of them. I’m not even going to go into its awfulness, except to say that I suspect all the contestants are paid actors. Also, I wonder about the placement of that apostrophe.
Tuesdays:
Real Housewives of Orange County
I’m watching, but half-heartedly. I’m a bigger fan of RHofNYC. A few things: Glad Lauri is gone. Her face hurt my brain. Also, her son is a heroin addict and she has finally decided maybe she should spend more time with her family? You think?! Actually, she got a lot of flack in the local OC paper for putting her kid on TV, so it’s about time she got over her own fame whorishness and got him some real help. Still hate Vicki. Jeana still seems like the most normal, relatively speaking. I kind of like Gretchen, for now. She’s as fake as the rest of them, but at least she’s nursing her sick father figure/fiancé. If I were her, I’d marry him quick.
Wednesdays:
Top Chef
A reality show Mr. Monkey can also enjoy! I’m looking forward to it being back this week, especially with the new judge. (“This tastes like cat food,” he says in the preview, and my kitties’ ears perk right up.) Early favorites: The Europeans, the cute little blond lesbian, Hoseah. Am also glad to see there are no fauxhawks this season.
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