Tool Academy

“…but most importantly, I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks… Yeah, Mr. Awesome can do that!”

Thus begins my new guilty pleasure, Tool Academy. (Not this Tool Academy.)

Yes. I know. But who can resist the preview: “No. You’re just a tool”? Not I. And not Mr. Monkey! He sits next to me on the couch as I type, watching this latest VH1 opus with an intrigued smirk.

First, I can only assume that these guys are all male strippers. At least, I hope so.

Briefly: The premise is that a bunch of loser-ly male stripper types show up to compete in what they supposedly believe is a pageant called “Mr. Awesome.” Ridiculousness, mainly a bunch of oily, overly muscular guys dancing around in what they themselves refer to as “man panties,” ensues. The kicker? It’s really an intervention of sorts. They’ve been brought here by their girlfriends, to shape up or ship out of what they call “boyfriend bootcamp,” aka The Tool Academy.

Tool Academy is like Rock of Love/Flavor of Love Charm School for boys, with a twist. Each week, one of the guys is eliminated, with the irresistible tagline, “You’re just a tool.” Then said tool’s girlfriend can determine whether to keep dating him.

Let me say this. I know women who have dated tools (although none that admittedly wore man panties). And they do not give up easily. I think it’s less that they’re in love with these, well, tools, but that it’s tough to give up on something that once seemed like a good idea. Several lives and one marriage ago, I dated a tool. It became clear within a few months that the tool and I were not meant to be. But I couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t want me. I didn’t become a stalker, but I did become—temporarily, thank god—a whiny, pathetic woman, not unlike those of Tool Academy. Having a guy they already know is a tool get expelled from Tool Academy isn’t going to change these women.

Meanwhile, Mr. Monkey says, “I want a Tool Academy t-shirt!” But he doesn’t qualify.